anywhere but here

what do you know. this thing is still up and running. past posts have all been little survey things, just to make it look like i'm still alive over here... lol
it's funny, because i really do have quite a lot to say. but when it actually comes down to writing it... i guess i'm a little lazy, or wary.
but like hanna says, this is my blog and i can do/write anything i want. i do want to point out one thing though.
did you know that there is a such thing as digital depression, caused by the overwhelming effect technology can have. yep. i hate being overwhelmed. i like routine. sometimes i browse through people's blogs then follow links to other blogs. i end up reading about some strange persons life in iowa. i live vicariously. i have my own life, but i'm more interested in others'. sometimes i've stumbled upon people i've known from my past. and then i feel like i'm evesdropping somehow. and all this gets me quite upset because i start thinking about how things could have been if i'd acted differently. but then maybe it's always just been in my head.
on another note, i've been sick for almost a week. this may explain my somewhat complacent manner. at first they thought it was just a cold, but i had a fever for 3 days. then they thought it was strep, but that was negative. so now they're testing for mono. hell's fire and may the darkness be merciful. it's just a precautinary test and they're 95% it's just a nasty virus. but just the thought of having to battle mono during first year at uni. my cousin had a very severe form of it. lasted almost 2 years.
so this is why i'm not paricularly perky tonight. as if i am any other night. being sick for this amount of time takes in toll. if i ever have to spend more than a week in a hospital i'll go crazy. i volunteered on the oncology patient care ward, some people were there for over 2 months. and still in good spirits, or so they told me. i'm just not the type that can be locked up.
i've also realized that i've never been truly independant. i've always had someone to do things for me, or watch over me as i do it. i can blame this in part to my dad. but then again maybe i shouldn't complain. if someone's going to offer to show me how to do something right and then end up just doing the whole thing, why not.
but then when you follow the psychological impacts it can have, i'm beginning to understand why i'm so messed up. aside from mundane, trivial matters, i do not have my own opinion. or rather i need someone's assurance before i feel like i've made the right choice. on one hand that makes sense, of course you'd want someone else's input before coming to a major decision. but i don't even know what truly matters to me. that's why i'm hardly offended by things, i don't even know if i care that it affects me. perhaps verbally this does not make sense, but up in the scattered thoughts of my mind it does. i have so much i could possibly rant about. and i could go on and write pages, just questioning my very being. but i think this is too long.
eh i've written longer.
on another note, or rather back to my digital depression point, i have no desire whatsoever to learn flash... anymore. i have absolutely no patience for that program. unless my line of work required knowledge of it i'd find a way to tolerate it. otherwise, flash can go die in a hole. oh how i'd love to just defenestrate every little buzzing gadget surrounding me right now. but then i would not be able to write this post... about how much i despise computers. very cyclical... and cynical. hmmm... do you suppose there's a relations between those words or is it just coincidence. i hate punctuation as well. *nods* well not really, i'm just too lazy to use anything other than periods and commas.
well i can see that i'm slowly beginning to ramble so i'll stop while i can. if i continue who knows how long it will be until i'm able to stop myself from tapping on these keys.
why is it that when you're healthy you want more sleep, but when you're sick there's nothing you can do short of stare at your eyelids for 3 hours... something to ponder until next time.